Venice on the web
A semi-regular column
OCTOBER 14, 2003 CAMPAIGN UPDATE:
Amos inadvertently accepts bribe to bow out of race
Sometime after the Amos for Council web campaign was launched, Gary Anderson entered the race, making it a three-way contest. On Sunday, October 12, 2003, Amos inadvertently accepted a bribe from Anderson in exchange for bowing out of the race. More on this shocking development can be found here.
|At last: affordable city council bribery for all|
Amos is the ideal candidate for city council. Easily swayed, he will grant political favors to anyone who cares to bribe him. He is not interested in traditional forms of local bribery, such as insider development investments, cash under the table, privately held stock or other costly forms of civil servant inducements. Of particular appeal to high-powered business interests is that Amos can be bribed easily and quite cheaply with mere table scraps. Not metaphorical table scraps either, Amos can be bribed with the real thing: the stuff that is left on your plate after you are through eating.
An additional advantage is that money laundering, incriminating paper trails and other associated bookkeeping nightmares will be a thing of the past. Amos disposes of the evidence of any wrongdoing by eating it. No telltale footprints on your pants, either -- Amos is extremely well behaved.
Developers, golf associations and other special interest groups who come before council will find this to be a distinct economic plus. Common citizens as well will finally have within their limited means the ability to buy a city councilman (councildog?), something that has been economically unfeasible in the past. Amos is even within the economic reach of retirees living on social security.
Say 'hi' to Amos:
click here to leave a message on the message board
As in any election, there are some key issues:
| ||John Simmonds|
|City Manager George Hunt||has never stated any support of George Hunt, has no political ties to Hunt; Hunt has yet to make any offers of food||staunch supporter and defender of Hunt|
|Abusive treatment of city employees||finds shouting and consternation to be upsetting, is against abuse of any kind, prefers to be petted||is largely unaware of any abuse, thinks the city is doing a great job at just about everything|
|Bribery||definitely for, but only if it involves food; meat is preferred||unstated, may not be aware of the issue|
|Current actions against the city by OSHA, EEOC, EPA, FAA and the Florida DEP||is there any food in this?||unstated, may not be aware of the issue|
|Herb Levine and the Venice Taxpayers League||on the few occasions when the candidate has met Levine, Levine failed to produce anything edible; finds Levine uninteresting so far||generally opposed to the Taxpayers League and Levine|
|Venice Florida! dot com||primary source of sustenance, top notch leftovers, great hambones and even the occasional slab of pizza; the bowl of kibble concept is getting a little old, though||unstated, may not be aware of the issue|
|Proposed $10 million bond||bring on the hamburgers||unstated, may not be aware of the issue|
|Dog beach||as a buoyancy-challenged mammal, would like to see the water moved back a few hundred yards||unstated, may not be aware of the issue|
|Fark||farked||has never been farked|
|Leash laws||against||unstated, may not be aware of the issue|
|Children||enjoys kids, especially when they provide treats||frightens children, may not be aware of the issue|
|Education||graduate of the Suncoast Humane Society's Canine Detention program||can read and write|
|Ethnicity||not sure; has an Elkhound head, body and personality, Corgi short legs and poofy tail, German Shepherd coloring||he's a white guy|
|Personality||very friendly, non-aggressive unless you are a stranger knocking at the front door||he's an 80-year-old white guy|
|Hobbies||Eating, sleeping, butt-sniffing at the dog park, running, bumming handouts from neighbors, avoiding the neighborhood tomcat, riding in the back seat of the car||80-year-old white guy stuff|
Would you like to pet the candidate?
Amos is available for speaking engagements, debates and and free-form butt-sniffing. For info and scheduling, contact his roommate.
Want to help?
1.) Amos for City Council handout promo cards - 6 to a sheet; print 'em out, cut 'em down to size, and plaster the town with them. George Hunt would love to see them placed on all city bulletin boards.
>>>>>Adobe Acrobat file, 0.5 MBs, download here<<<<<
2.) Take the banner below and place it on your web site, with a link back to this page.
Bribes are accepted by the candidate on the condition that they may be forgotten due to subsequent and competing bribes. In any and all cases, Amos is not liable for refunding any bribe due to failure to deliver an agreed-to vote. He is, after all, a dog and has some cognitive difficulties in understanding the full complexities of bribery.
Paid for by Nobody In Particular. Some assembly required, batteries not included. Dealer financing charges not included. Void where prohibited by law. Woof. Amos may be larger than he appears in photos. Side effects may include the following: upset stomach, trouble sleeping, diarrhea, dry mouth, woofing, feeling sleepy or tired, fleas, tremor, indigestion, butt-sniffing, sweating, feeling agitated, and having less appetite. In studies, most people did not have to stop petting Amos because of side effects. Woof. The voter information contained herein is provided for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace discussions with a licensed practitioner, cleric or driver. All decisions regarding voter care must be made with a licensed provider and consider the unique characteristics of the voter. Woof. This is a work of satire (duh!). Amos is not a registered voter, and as such cannot legally qualify as a valid candidate for public office in the State of Florida. Woof.
John Patten is the head of Web Operations for Creative Pages, and has worked in broadcasting for over 12 years. He can also be incredibly rude at times.